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My inner orphan showed up big time last week. One email sent me into a tailspin of self-doubt and faithlessness.

As many of you know, Melody and I still have my home in Hoover that has not sold or been rented for a year now. That is correct; two mortgage payments on one income since December. It has been quite the emotional roller coaster, but God has continued to demonstrate His faithfulness month after month.

After trying to sell the house ourselves and then rent it ourselves, (something we have absolutely no experience with) we finally turned it over to a management company in August. Things immediately began to look up as we started getting reports concerning the interest they were getting on our house. A couple in Minnesota saw it online and even mailed in a deposit in the first week. When they saw the house in person, however, they said they were concerned about the steep driveway. We were excited…and then deflated.

We had another couple call us and I met them at the house and gave them the tour. They seemed very, very interested, but I would not allow myself to get my hopes up because I had seen this before. I turned over their information to the management company and everything checked out, so I began to see signs of hope that maybe this was our tenant.

On September 10^th we were informed that they had paid their deposit and first months rent and would be moving in the next day. We were elated. FINALLY we were going to be able to offset the second mortgage that we had been struggling for so long to maintain. So what sent me into last week’s tailspin? It was when I opened an email from the maintenance person last Wednesday that said:

Traylor,

This is what happened after all the rain we’ve had. The carpet was cleaned on Fri. in the basement and then it rained the weekend and Mon. but is smells horribly like pet urine and needs replacing in my opinion. There is a mold issue also. Rain is coming in and over the track to the sliding back door getting the carpet wet and the other side of the room as well has mold growing on the baseboards. I’ve attached pictures so that you can see. Please let me know how you would like to handle this. The residents have yet to move in because of this concern.

Thanks,

As I read the email, doubt began to flood my heart and mind and my orphan mentality took over. These were but some of the thoughts that began to flood my mind with lightening speed:

“What, you mean they haven’t moved in yet?”

“Great, there is now water damage from all of the rain that could have been prevented had I known the house was sitting empty.”

“There will be foundational and water damage that will cost thousands to fix.”

“We have been trying so hard to simply get a tenant and we keep going backwards.”

“I should have just let the house go into foreclosure. It has been nothing but a headache and money pit.”

“I can’t believe it has been a year and I haven’t gotten a tenant yet. I should have been working harder to get someone into the house before all of this happened.”

“I’m such a loser and poor businessman.”

My relentless inner critic was pummeling my spirit and winning. I began to believe the lie that God had abandoned me and that I had been a fool for trusting Him with this situation. I began to play the “If only I would have…” game and it only worsened.

For those who have read my story, you know that financial stress and pressure is the biggest trigger that I have to fight. In the past, I most likely would have sought some sort of escape from reality after reading the email from the maintenance director. Thankfully, instead of escaping, I grabbed the keys to my car and decided to head over to the house and face the situation head-on. As I drove, I prayed and began to preach the Gospel to myself. I battled the lies and my unbelief and chose to believe that, in spite of my present circumstances, Psalm 25:10 was true:

“All the ways of the Lord are loving and faithful”

I have to trust that God is the Writer and Director of my story and that He is good and that He delights in me…no matter what my present circumstances seem to be shouting at me. As I drove to Hoover, I began to pray and to think about this particular chapter in our story. By the time I arrived at the house and surveyed the damage, my inner orphan had disappeared and I could simply rest in the Gospel.

When I got to the house, not only did I see firsthand the mold and mildew, but saw that the new tenant, while they had not moved in, had taken it upon themselves to take up the carpet in the living room without permission. When I saw the carpet and carpet pad rolled up on the floor and the sub-flooring exposed, all I could do was laugh. I told God out loud “And the plot thickens”, pulled out my phone, and left a message with the management company.

What brings out your inner orphan and how do you deal with your inner critic?

36813 Commentshttp%3A%2F%2Fwww.ragamuffinreflections.com%2F2009%2F09%2F28%2Ffighting-my-inner-orphan%2FFighting+My+Inner+Orphan2009-09-28+15%3A43%3A59Traylor+Lovvornhttp%3A%2F%2Ftraylorlovvorn.com%2F%3Fp%3D368

Michelle Brown

My inner orphan usually shows up when I don't feel heard and seen, or whenever I feel some sort of rejection. It can be something as simple as talking with a person whose eyes glaze over with incomprehension as a response to something I've said. Or if I come across really boldly/passionately and the other person's boundaries/walls come up and there's a refusal to honestly engage. Or if I feel like I'm on the outside looking in, where I am unwelcomed and feel like I don't belong. My inner orphan shows up in relation to other people.

I try to remind myself of Psalm 27:10, but sometimes it's harder than others.

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Wilma

I just want you to know that you bring a little comfort into my orphaned heart today. For the last two weeks it seems EVERYTHING has been going wrong. And I have doubted the goodness of the Lord! Next to Job, my problems don't seem so bad, but they are still my problems to deal with! And yet I see that in the things that HAVE gone wrong, it seems that God has tried to minimize the damage or sent me a helper to work it out with me. Does that make sense? I don't know why we have these struggles and still don't understand it but I guess we are not promised rose gardens as Christians. But it would be nice Keep us posted on what happens with your place!

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Traylor Lovvorn

Thanks Wilma and I'll definitely keep you posted.

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Penny

Wow, Traylor! It's funny that my husband and I went through almost the same thing trying to find a tenant for our home. In our case we were paying rent and mortgage for 5 months, got ripped off by a shady leasing agent and had to fix all manner of leaks, replace carpet, etc before we could get a tenant moved in. And we had to pray our way through it too. Still working on not losing our minds, but God is a good teacher. Good to know we're not the only ones taking the "Landlord" version of the "How to Trust God" class.

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Rainer

Thanks for sharing this, Tray. I had a major epiphany last week where I finally realized how much I was embracing the victim mentality with regard to my spouse leaving me and how its affecting other areas of my life such as my job. I was able to see that the big "V" I'm wearing stands for "victor" in Christ rather than "victim" and that feeling sorry for myself was not at all God-honoring. Yes she left; yes it can affect my job performance but only if I choose to let it and choose to play the victim. And yes, God is a god of healing and restoration, and if we trust in Him he wil restore all that the locusts have eaten, as you and Melody have so wonderfully experienced. God bless!

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Traylor Lovvorn

Absolutely, Rainer. We have found that it is much, much easier to play the victim rather than to face our own "stuff". It is so much easier to shine the spotlight on others.

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Sunny

Good stuff, as usual, Traylor. Thank you for sharing . . .

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Sunny

Almost escaped answering the question . . . my inner orphan feels encased by a porcupine this week. Hard, poky. Protective. Angry and then tired of being the one who always has to "do the hard thing." Instead of realizing that God is still fighting my battles for me. And that I need to rest. Trust. Take the porcupine coat off and just be. Let go of the things that "require" me to put on my self armor and let God. His armor is truth, righteousness, faith, salvation, peace . . .

None of those things require me to fight near as much as they require me to trust.

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Aaron Potratz

Excellent post! My wife and I are going through a similar experience – renting a bigger house while trying to rent out the smaller condo we own. There is so much fear and anxiety that we want to feel, but ultimately it comes back to faith and trust that wherever God leads us, there He is; this is something to be joyful about!

BTW, my inner orphan comes out in situations of uncertainty and insecurity. As a counselor, I’ve developed a “treatment plan” of how to address this: 60 Days of Humility (http://trutheran.blogspot.com/2009/09/60-days-of-humility.html). Just as you mentioned, the idea is to surrender myself and allow God to sow peace and satisfaction in Him alone.

Anyway, your post was encouraging and inspiring, and I’m so glad I found it! Thank you.

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Traylor Lovvorn

Thanks for your comment, Aaron, and also for providing the link to your “60 Days of Humility”. We hope that you rent your condo soon!

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Kathy Berman

Hi, I have added you to my recovery journey links. I have been blogging since Nov 2004 but didn’t have comments. Recovery date is Nov. 24, 1976. I would be honored if you’d check out my main blog, kathyberman.com . I also wrote about your blog at http://kathyberman.com/2009/10/on-the-recovery-ro…

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Traylor Lovvorn

Hey Kathy!

Thanks for adding Reflections of a Ragamuffin to your recovery links! I so appreciate that and glad that you have found my blog useful. I did check out your web site and really liked your most recent post about co-dependency. I checked out the Coda web site and want to start passing along some of their information.

God bless!

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