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I found it the other day while going through a bin of some of my old stuff.

I had saved it for a reason.

I wanted it to be a vivid reminder.

My son was four years old when my secret life of pornography and sexual addiction was exposed for the first time. Melody and I separated, and, in an effort to get the kids in touch with what they were feeling, we asked them to each draw a picture.

Tal's Drawing

When I first saw the picture above and the clear statement from my son concerning what he was feeling, it was as if someone had hit me in the gut with a baseball bat. I would have welcomed that physical pain over the emotional pain I was experiencing any day.

For years I had believed the lie that my mechanism for escaping the pressures of life wasn’t really hurting anyone. I told myself that they were just pictures…no big deal.

And then I saw my son’s picture.

The yellow construction paper in my hand with my son’s crayon scrawled note told a different story. His world, along with his mother’s and his sibling’s, was about to be turned upside down.

Because of my cowardice.

Because of my immaturity.

Because of my selfishness.

Because of my lust.

My family counted on me to love them and to protect them, yet I had allowed myself to be completely taken out by the enemy. I was a walking shell of a man…having allowed my secret sin to suck the life right out of me. I say I was living a double life, but in reality most of my time and energy was focused on my secret life…not my public life.

If you are reading this post and dabbling with pornography or a potentially dangerous relationship outside of your marriage, don’t believe the lie that it isn’t a big deal. It is a slippery slope that will eventually have you crossing lines you swore you would NEVER cross.

I know…and have the scars to prove it. Unfortunately, so does my wife. And my kids.

I want to hear your story. What scars are you carrying? How have you believed the lie that your sin isn’t a big deal and has no effect on others? How has God shown you otherwise?

42510 Commentshttp%3A%2F%2Fwww.ragamuffinreflections.com%2F2009%2F10%2F21%2Fcollateral-damage-of-our-sin%2FCollateral+Damage2009-10-21+14%3A14%3A22Traylor+Lovvornhttp%3A%2F%2Ftraylorlovvorn.com%2F%3Fp%3D425

nadia wilder

what an amazing post. truly, this is the essence of freedom in Christ.

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Wilma

What I find encouraging is that you take responsibility for the ways in which you hurt your family and have worked on healing them. I think books like 'Why Men Cheat' do more damage to those of us who have been affected by our husband's behaviors.

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Traylor Lovvorn

Thanks Wilma. It has been a painful journey, but so very, very redemptive.

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Nadia

I love this post. THIS is the essence of freedom in Christ. Praise God for us captives who have been SET FREE!

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Traylor Lovvorn

Absolutely, Nadia. And praise God that the Gospel is indeed such a wonderful scandal! He loves us JUST as we are!

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Rainer

Thanks for sharing and being an example for all men to follow, Tray. Yes, I thought it was not that big of a deal and that I wasn't hurting anyone by viewing porn. I did know it was out of control, but was too much of a coward and too comfortable playing the victim to confront my issues. I've shared with you before that my own sexual sin contributed to my wife finding someone else and then divorcing me. While she is ultimately responsible for the choices she has made, I have to take responsibility for allowing her to be vulnerable to the enemy's attack after being wounded by my actions. I was not the Godly husband and spiritual leader of our household that I needed to be, but God got my attention. Praying now for a reconciliation miracle.

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Traylor Lovvorn

Rainer-

Thanks for your comment. It is so good to hear you owning your stuff and boldly walking your path. I will pray with you about reconciliation, brother.

Traylor

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tlovvorn

Praying for you, brother! Owning your stuff and taking responsibility for your actions is huge. Stay true to the journey of healing that God has you on, no matter what the circumstances.

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Cari

Tray, this is beautiful. Thank you for sharing. I can't imagine what it must have been like for you that day, but if the sinking feeling in my own gut while reading your son's note is any indication, I never want to experience that for myself.

How wonderful that you can embrace this journey in the beautifully painful lessons learned, and continue to walk in faith that God will carry you through ANY darkness- even (especially) your own…

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tlovvorn

Thanks Cari. Melody and I are so thankful that true healing is on the other side of pain.

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