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Confronting Ourselves
Posted by: Traylor Lovvorn
Tags: 12 Steps,addiction,moral inventory,recovery,Step 4 Posted date:
April 27, 2010 |
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Our Band of Brothers recovery group is working through the 12-steps this year by focusing on one step each month. Our emphasis this month has been on Step 4…
Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves
This is the step where many decide to step off the path of recovery.
It is scary.
It is painful.
It exposes.
It forces us to face the truth.
It is gut-wrenching to see ourselves as we are, in all of our sin and brokenness. We all want to believe that we are better than we are. I spent years delicately managing a reputation in order to hide my true self and all of its frailty and sinfulness.
This passage written by Richard Rohr sums up my own experience with Step 4…both the fear on the front end and the healing on the other…
“Many avoid the path of self-knowledge because they are afraid of being swallowed up in their own abysses. But Christians have confidence that Christ has lived through all the abysses of human life and that he goes with us when we dare to engage in sincere confrontation with ourselves. Because God loves us unconditionally—along with our dark sides—we don’t need to dodge ourselves. In the light of this love the pain of self-knowledge can be at the same time the beginning of our healing.”
Although I would never admit it to myself or to anyone else, I struggled for years believing that God loved me unconditionally. This unbelief and the feeling that God would abandon me if I was honest about my struggles kept me on a performance treadmill for almost 30 years. Because I thought God was disappointed with me for struggling it was a completely foreign concept to bring God into my struggle.
God used Brennan Manning’s Abba’s Child
For me, like Rohr’s statement suggests, the pain of my self-knowledge began the healing process. Knowing that He saved me, with full knowledge of my eventual on-night stands and other moral debaucheries, helped me to see that grace is truly amazing.
What about you? Have you ever engaged in a sincere confrontation with yourself? Have you ever done a searching and fearless moral inventory? Could unbelief be holding you back?
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About the author
Traylor Lovvorn
Traylor was married for 11 years before his secret struggle with pornography and sexual addiction ripped his family apart, leaving his wife Melody and 4 children to try to figure out what had happened to Daddy. After 6 years of divorce and much counseling and recovery, God miraculously restored his family and he and Melody were re-married in 2008.
Traylor was married for 11 years before his secret struggle with pornography and sexual addiction ripped his family apart, leaving his wife Melody and 4 children to try to figure out what had happened to Daddy. After 6 years of divorce and much counseling and recovery, God miraculously restored his family and he and Melody were re-married in 2008.
8 Comments
tlovvorn
Absolutely, Lindsey. I definitely did lip-service to Step 4 when I first tried to work through the steps. What I really fought was the writing it down part. I wanted to just vaguely play a few scenes in my head, give mental ascent, and move on. There is something about seeing all of our "stuff" written on a piece of paper that is extremely painful and therapeutic at the same time.
Step 4 takes boat loads of courage and a firm grasp of the Gospel. Otherwise we will cave to hopeless despair.
Matt E.
Great post. And that's a great quote too.
Joshua Davis
Hey Traylor…
I just wrote a new blog post on my website and I am wondering if I shouldn't have mentioned about my struggle with this stuff. I didn't go into detail.. I just mentioned that I am a part of a morning men's group and said briefly what the group was about. But it's very scary being open like that. What do you think? And by the way, I believe Step 4 is where my morning men's group is. We haven't actually taken the time to do an inventory of ourselves, but we are planning a get away day to do just that… man it may be a painful day.
-Joshua
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Traylor Lovvorn
Hey Josh-
Remember Step 4 is for you to face the reality of who you are. In Step 5 we share the nature of our wrongs, but that doesn't mean we have to share everything with the entire group. So as you are writing down your inventory, remember this exercise is for you, first and foremost.
jennyrain
I LOVE the 12 steps… and hate them at the same time 
For me, recovery came as God took me through the journey of answering 3 questions..
1 – Jenny who am I (meaning, who is God really?) I had to correct my God-concept. It was horribly broken. Who I thought God was, and who He really is were vastly different.
2 – Jenny who are you? (meaning, who am I?) I had no idea
3 – Jenny, what do you want? For 3 years this question plagued me. Because I didn't know who God was or who I was, I had no idea what I wanted. I had let others define me for so long, I had lost the ability to know what I wanted or didn't want – so I let things happen to me.
it was a very painful – and wonderful – 5 years
Traylor Lovvorn
Jenny, our paths have been very, very similar. During my six years of divorce, God asked me "Tray, am I enough?" about a hundred different ways over that six year period.
I also relate to letting others define me. As Julia Roberts character in "Runaway Bride", I finally "learned how I like my eggs."
Thanks for your comment!
Tray
About Us
Hi, we are Traylor and Melody Lovvorn and we were married for 11 years before sexual addiction and infidelity ripped our family apart. By God’s grace, our family was reconciled in 2008. Hang out here for awhile and you’ll discover how this miracle happened. Learn more about us…
Copyright 2007-2011 Traylor & Melody Lovvorn. All Rights Reserved.
Funny, when I went through Celebrate Recovery I skipped that part. Awful, I know. I just wasn't ready then.
Actually did it years later; and was amazed at the freedom found. Just the act of confessing was enough–as the passage says, bringing the darkness to light will set you free. Or something like that, I'm awful at memorization
God's been pressing me hard lately on some things I have considered small and harmless in my mind for a long time; but I know He's showing me that those things were really me holding on to some sinful thoughts and desires and some deep idolatry (ouch).
Time to confess. but even now it is still scary. Ridiculous really, how scared we get even when we KNOW intimately the freedom that comes after. Thank you for the affirmation and reminder
Blessings~
Lindsey